Its a dog eat dog world out there. Everywhere you go someones trying to strap a short lease on you and strangle your emotions. Leading your ass along as they watch you urinate in the nude. Real nasty like that. Yelling every time you happen to bark at a car or the door bell. Lambasting you for eating out of your trash can or enjoying the taste of your own shit. Rubbing your under belly like your some kind of pet, as they laugh at you. Laugh! Well, keep laughing I say. Keep laughing and enjoy the dog show.
‘Tis a busy time to be a sports fan, and an even busier time to be a sports fanatic! So many sports to choose from, yet so little time to watch each and every match one wishes they could… What to do…? Well for starters you may need to reevaluate how you spend you time. If you spend most of your time at work earning a good wage to support your family, however, in doing so your missing the big games of the week; well then maybe its time you take a step back from the grind, quite quit or do it loudly, either way YOUR team needs YOU. So do whats right. Same goes for family gatherings, outings with friends, community engagements, funerals, weddings, major holidays, lunar anomalies, barn dances, dance recitals, dance lessons, cooking classes, etc. etc. etc.
When the winter air begins to nip,
Heres a quick style tip.
Toss out your puffy coat and your long johns too,
And embrace the world with a fashion so old that it’s new.
So what is this new and exciting mode that we speak?
It’s nothing more that a simple sweater tweak.
Tighten the neck and add elastic to the wrist,
You see it’s still a sweater but heres the twist.
You ditch the hood attached to your back,
And with your newly made sweatshirt your life will be back on track.
If you like salt and love yourself some soda then you’ll have a grad time tuning into our resident salty-soda heads: The Salt ‘N Soda Boyz featuring: John Salt and Dan Soda. Sit back, recline, and relax as these world class soda-sippers fill your bucket to the brim with all the bubbly salty liquid your big bloated belly can handle. Life can get pretty salty sometimes, rest assured as the soda stuffers stuff your gullet with as much salty salt and slippery soda your pie hole can clench. Salt. Soda. Repeat until sick.
Traditions can be hard. They can bring about anxiety, worry, and a host of other suppressed feelings one has worked diligently to bottle deep within the bowels of their psyche. However, in some rare occasions time honored traditions can in fact provide just the right amount of respite and cheer our bodies and souls require in order to make its way through yet another year on this god forsaken planet. Alas, Cotton Man’s Christmas Special is simply not one of those traditions. However, here it is anyway. Prost.
It’s the holiday season and with the holidays come everyones favorite annual holiday tradition: the annual holiday party. So jump into the holidays with the holiday maestros themselves Mike and Charley, and listen in as they guide you through the best holiday inspired ways to rein in the holiday cheer. Holidays can be hard, and no doubt these upcoming holidays will be no different… for it is the holidays after all. So let’s all put on best’st, bravest, holiday’st face. Happy Hollandaise?
Relive the journey as the Monsters in the Morning proudly present: Moon Dump 2022: The Entire Saga in One Nice and Neat Package.
Strange how every year around this time we no doubt will wake up one nondescript morning, roll up our socks and gaze in disbelief at the sudden metamorphosis in our environment. This once comfortable and cozy atmosphere now filled with chilling uneasiness and biting unfamiliarity. We wander around with a head full of wonderings unsure of the future yet petrified of the present. It’s a scary place and and an even scarier mindset. The abandonment of security and awash with venerability, we seek answers yet can’t find the questions. Days go by without a speck of happiness within arms reach, and whenever the fleeting sparkle may float by, it withers once touched, falling apart into nothingness as our body and soul tries to grasp its necessary nourishment… Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Its The Monsters In The Morning Election Night Extravaganza Spectacular Fun-Fun Big Time Up To The Minute Hyper Local Hyper Focal Hyper Notable Dirty Little Stink-Pit Election Headquarters HQ Dr. Q Crazy Time Wow Show.
Every morning during the month of October I like to start the day with a fresh hot pumpkin for breakfast. It’s nothing special. I simply pop a small one in the microwave for a few seconds till soft, sprinkle it with powdered sugar then proceed to eat the pumpkin stem and all. I don’t condone the practice, nor particularly enjoy it myself. In fact anther tradition I have during the month is vomiting up chunks of pumpkin all over my walkway, sidewalk, car interior, car exterior, workplace washroom, the local 711 coffee station, my shower stall, the park district locker room, my walk in closet, my antique wardrobe, and my bosses lap. So there’s that. Well Happy Halloween.
Autumn leaves whisper to us their sweet song
As they crackle and crunch while we walk along.
The air is brisk and the smell is amber.
I hide my shit-stained undies at the bottom of the hamper.
The coffee is hot and the flavor is pun-kin.
Its my drawers I say that I accidentally took a dump in…
We rejoice each year with this sudden change of the weather.
You know what that means, break out the sweaters!
But alas I can’t because of the discovery she sees…
Apparently my favorite fall cloak is covered in feces.
Happy Fall Everyone!
‘Twas written long ago, on some sort of ancient scroll, made of some sort of ancient parchment: “Be it so, thy first dump to fall upon thee surface of thy moon will be grand indeed!” In keeping with tradition and driven by a curiosity bordering on mild stupidity and ineptitude, Mike and Charley finally reach their final destination. Landing a much needed end to this long winded and meandering story, one which will hopefully be stricken from the record forevermore and never spoken of again.
It’s the kind of thing every little boy dreams of: getting the chance to fly to the moon, land on said moon, and then having the unique opportunity to take a large shit on that very same moon, only to fly back home to a waiting ticker tape parade and a true heroes welcome. It’s all so surreal that it could have come directly out of a book of space themed fairy tales with a scientific spin. God speed sweet princes, may your bodies and bowels fare thee well.
Love Always,
Houston
Carrying the weight of the world upon his larger than normal body, Maniac Mike must contemplate just how in the world he and TDC will make it to the moon. While lying with his soulmate the big man just can’t seem to turn off his giant head. Alone in the woods, body bloated, inflated with MSG, it’s within the television screen that the human balloon finds his only solace.
With bodies and minds full of highly salted and sauced meats and veggies, Mike and TDC begin their long journey towards the truth: the moon. Logistically getting there is a whole other thing. Were talking bout spaceships, space suits, space food, space for Mike’s big ass within the space ship, cameras for space, space for the cameras, space for any extra soy sauces or condiments for the space food or any other land food brought aboard, funding for the space trip and so on and so forth. Its a lot of work, but also a heck of a lot of fun too. Cheers.
When I need a bite but have no place in sight, I simply pick up the phone and make it a take out night.
So many choices for me, a large body to ponder; but in the end I don’t fret, for there’s no need to wander.
My appetite intense, my pangs quite the shock; my body craves carbs, General Tso and noodles via wok.
Looking though the menu the options are endless, not ordering a few egg rolls would just be senseless.
Soon the order is placed and delivered in due time; the payment: charge, and the portions: all large.
“Analogies are a lot like cookies, they taste good even when they crumble” - Known But Forgotten
On holiday from the the rat race and rigamarole of sports podcasting excellence, Mike and Charley are at peace amongst fauna and flora. It’s within this silent melancholy that an epiphany is awakened within big Mike’s big ‘ol melon head. Finally the connections are fitting, the pieces are connecting, and the answers seem fit for discussion and there’s only one man who can help lead the charge towards total enlightenment.
“When duty calls you better not shit your pants…” - Unknown
First Commander Chuck has just entered into the final stage of his mission to the moon. After months of hard pressed, sweaty, wet, and downright silly trainings, TDC is now ready to disembark the ship and relive himself on the moon. The mission; which has been meticulously planned and executed with the help of larger than most earth based moon-man Mike, has been mostly successful, all that awaits now is for TDC’s final dropping(s).
Believe it or not the world was once just one giant floating piece of rock, just rumbling around in the ocean without a care. It was a wild time. Full of all kinds of strange plants, bugs, and weird looking fish things that had like no face or body… Imagine that! But hey, that was just how it was. It was a simpler time indeed. A time when we were one solid thing of soil-like stuff. Unbroken. Undone. This was the time of Pangaea
When opportunity comes a knock’n you can either answer the door and embrace the good fortune with open arms and grace. Or (as I like to do) pretend not to hear, lie back down on the couch in silence, and simply wait out said knocker until they eventually move on to another unsuspecting larf. It’s your choice after all. You hold all the cards, and it’s you and only you who can open that door and walk over the threshold. What lies beyond that gateway is scary and unfamiliar, yet necessary towards living a more stable and secure life… so I prefer not to enter. After all Mother needs me more here.
